Three reasons for not getting along well with family members

Retired people usually have more opportunities to stay with their families, but it does not necessarily bring more happiness to their family members and themselves. What are the reasons behind? There might be three main reasons.

1. Talking too much, listening too little
In getting along with their spouses or children, many retired people have the problem of "talking too much, but listening too little". It makes the retirees and their family members dislike each other more. If we do not keep ourselves alert, we might easily "talk more and more, but listen less and less", which would lead to more quarrels at home, or even lead to "cold wars" among family members.

2. Staying together for too long, being alone for too short
"Staying with others" and "being alone" are two psychological needs of human. "Staying with others" means that we need our family members to keep us accompanied. "Being alone" means that we need some private time. When we are alone for too long, we would feel lonely; yet if we stay with others for too long, we would feel exhausted. If retirees are not aware of their needs for these moments of "staying with others" and "being alone", the situation of "staying together for too long and being alone for too short" would easily arise, which would bring about more conflicts at home.

3. Blaming too much, showing too little love
Many couples may have accumulated a lot of dissatisfaction towards each other after living together for several decades. Husbands and wives may have suppressed their hard feelings and dissatisfaction deep in their hearts when they were busy with their work and taking care of their children. They do not have time to solve the problems. When they retired and have more time to stay along with their spouse, they may no longer be able to suppress their negative feelings, resulting in "more blame, less love" in the families.

Keys to treasure the people around us – forgive, respect, communicate

A happy family gives us a happy life. Knowing how to treasure the people around us is the fundamental element for creating a happy family. How can we achieve this? The keys are forgive, respect and communicate!

1. Forgive
You may consider the word "forgive" too heavy; it is not indeed. In fact, the relationships of many couples have worsened because they have piled up a lot of dissatisfaction and resentment among themselves. Being able to forgive is the key to maintain a good marriage.

2. Respect
We need to respect the needs for "staying together" with and "being alone" from our spouse and family members. For instance, when our husband or wife wants to be alone, we should not disturb him/her. When our husband or wife wants to stay with us, we need to be willing to stay with him/her. If we can respect one another in our families, we will be able to maintain good relationships with our family members and harmony at home.

3. Communicate
The key of good communication is to "listen more and talk less". We can understand better the emotion and actual needs of our family members through genuine listening. It is only by so doing that respect to each other could be shown and conflicts could be resolved.

All of us will experience change of roles in our own family at different stages of our lives. As long as the love among family members is there, having a happy family is always possible. Recently my younger daughter was graduated and become a vet in Australia. My wife and I attended her graduation ceremony and then had a holiday trip there for one week. I deeply experienced that my role and that of my daughter in our family have changed. In the past I was both the driver and the tour guide of our family. Now my daughter takes up these roles. I sat beside her, watching her driving, listening to her quietly and enjoying her care and arrangements for us. My wife and I were very happy!


Dr Wong Chung Kwong, JP
Chairman of Advisory Board Whole Person Development Institute