While new births are always celebrated with joy in the family, parents and grandparents are no strangers to wrangles derived from the new addition to the family. Dr Ernest Chui, Associate Professor at the Department of Social Work and Social Administration, the University of Hong Kong, offers advice on psychological adjustment for grandparents to ensure happiness abounds.

"Different grandparents have different ways of treating their grandchildren, and I don't think grandparents necessarily dote on their grandchildren. While some grandparents lavish their grandchildren with love, there are also those who impose strict disciplines. What we need to understand is that the development of our personalities is a result of different living environment, upbringing, education level, economic status, occupation and social status, which is how grandparents' love for their grandchildren differ, hence the differences in the ideas of parenting between grandparents and the new generation of parents," said Dr Chui. Cross-generational disputes inevitably arise when parents and grandparents have different expectation for the new generation, and so even simply daily living issues such as picking up after school, meal arrangement, study-rest schedule, the language to learn things in, and curricular activities can be a trigger of conflicts. The important thing to note here is that discrepancies in the notions of raising a child between grandparents and parents are very natural.

Don't Live Your Life Around Your Grandchildren

With the bliss of becoming a grandparent also comes a sense of responsibility, which many senior citizens feel compelled to bear to help lessen the burden of their children. "While the elation of becoming a grandparent is understandable, senior citizens may need to rethink their role as grandparents if they prioritise their grandchildren over everything else in their life, so much so that their quality of life and health is compromised, and that they begin to interfere with their children's own personal life and ideas of bringing up a child."

"It's helpful to acknowledge that your children are your grandchildren's parents, and they have all the rights and responsibility in the world to decide on their children's way of living. In this technologically advanced day and age where information can be anytime, anywhere, your children are more than prepared for parenthood even if they may be first-time parents. As grandparents, you shouldn't be overwrought about your children's own way of parenting – you ought to be enjoying an enriched retirement life instead."

Communication is Key

Being a good listener is what Dr Chui considers the key in solving cross-generational disputes over parenting: "While the older generation has more life experiences to offer, the rapid social development, and enhancement of quality of life and information gathering also mean that there are things to learn from the new ways of thinking, even though you may have never heard of it. To reach consent, communication is key. According to some research done in overseas countries, the addition of new family members could bring happiness and joy but also stress to grandparents. Moreover, some senior citizens may struggle to communicate with their children due to their inability to readjust their mentality after stepping down from their high positions at work before retirement. It therefore does all parties more good than bad for everyone to have a heart-to-heart, and for senior citizens to listen to their children's ways of thinking, understand the environmental limitations they are bound by, comprehend their children's ways of parenting from different perspectives, and to be humble when asking for their children's opinion."

Seeking Professional Help

If needs be, grandparents may seek the help of professional social workers and let feelings off their chest. Over 200 District Elderly Community Centres under the Social Welfare Department are equipped to provide social work services, and the 65 Integrated Family Service Centres citywide, plus the two Integrated Services Centres in Tung Chung offer an array of family consultation services as well. "Communication between senior citizens and their children is crucial in truly embracing the joy of the birth of a new family member. And to that end, all parties need to figure out a way of co-existence that pleases all," said Dr Chui.


Special Thanks:
Dr Ernest Chui, Associate Professor at the Department of Social Work and Social Administration, the University of Hong Kong